Happy
5:52 am |
0 comments
I am very happy this morning at 6 in the morning... And why on earth would I be when I've not had a WINK since coming back from tuition?
Got something off my chest and it turned out really well. :) Some questions unanswered but see where everything goes.
Seeing the bigger picture FINALLY of stupid Contract Law...
Seeing the END of exams!
Pancakes at Macs later at 8am in NUS! Hot juicy pancakes with maple syrup and butter!! oooo...
And I've not slept for since 10pm! :P
And it's raining outside while the soft breeze of the aircon in the Raffles Hall library makes everything cosy... Even my notes seem to be at place. And i'm at peace. Somewhat.
4th may - please come quickly and go peacefully. You better not create any unseen trouble... :P
Jiayou everyone! 加油！！ The last stretch is here... We'll all ride it along together...
Labels: Friends, Law School, Raffles Hall, Whining
Rampage
3:28 am |
0 comments
I'm officially on a blogging rampage... Dunno why. It's 3.30 in the morning - I just finished revising 1 and a half topics in the hall library and I should be sleeping to recuperate. But I just had to gripe about one more thing. Just one more thing. And all this stems from being pissed by someone...
I realized that in the solitude of the library, my whole life was about proving people wrong. Literally. From start to finish..
Primary school - I had to prove my teacher wrong that I could and DESERVED to go to Raffles Institution despite the immense doubt she had.
Secondary school - I wasn't even sure myself if I could survive through it but apparently I did, relatively unscathed but hopefully proving to those who thought I was just too dumb to be in RI that I could make it through.
3 months JC - that place was kinda of a hellhole for me. They had something against me I don't know what... I loved my class there - but the love stops there. Oh... Plus my Malay class buddies. I love my Malay class buddies - they were the only ppl I could talk to in that crazy class. The 4-5 of us would sit on the first row while the rest of the class about 20+ of them would sit in the back of the class, oblivious to our existence. The ostracization in that school is intense and nuts - glad I left that school. Nothing to prove to them there - just to some of the teachers that I was capable of getting out of that place. Ha.
JC - wow... this was a very trying time. Too much to say.
Army - even more. I think the whole of army was just me against a whole world of doubters who doubted that I would be able to get through the army alive. Plus, no one thought that I would be able to get into law and I did. Happy happy.
But now, that cycle of proving people wrong again has reared its ugly head. And it's damn damn ugly... I just need to prove to these people that I'm capable of getting through law school with my own abilities. My OWN abilities.
I am not smart as in I don't capture concepts like most other people. I don't have superterrific photographic memory that can just memorize information like a scanner does. I don't reason on the spot very well. But what I do know is that it takes hard work to try and get through law school. I make up for my inability to grasp concepts quickly by churning out tons of notes that I would understand but even then, my notes get JUDGED upon for being USELESS after I gladly pass it to them to aid them in their revision. It really hurts to know that all your hardwork is considered trash. But somehow it still doesn't seem to be enough for this bloody school.
I don't know what else I need to avoid being called DUMB again... Perhaps I should never talk about school work to some of them. Inferior knowledge is a scary thing when u're facing an intellectual behemoth. I better make sure I know every bloody nook and cranny of the stupid topic or argument before I get into a discussion - which is like NEVER! That means I should just shut my trap. From now on.
It's officially 3.50 in the morning, my hall room's bright as day, Ellen's on the telly and anger has definitely subsided. Someone stop me before I start taking up more and more things in a bid to PROVE to other people that I can do things that are useful - that I'm not a USELESS piece of shit who can't even speak Malay properly.
But for RH Concert - I am out to prove that RH can produce a piece of original musical theatre that would be respectable, slightly intellectual and highly entertaining. That's what I hope to achieve. Not only for myself, but for the hall too. :) And hope that everyone enjoys themselves in the process.
Labels: Whining
Rant 2
1:06 am |
0 comments
But I guess some people are just plain smarter than me in everything.
And I mean everything.
Everything.
Every
thing.
But then again I am almost always wrong. Could I be wrong in this instance?
Labels: Whining
Rant 1
1:05 am |
0 comments
I am not dumb I am not dumb I am not dumb I am not dumb.
Contrary to what people think.
Labels: Whining
Birthday Madness
4:16 pm |
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Hey guys and gals... I'm officially 22. And I feel damn old. Some of the girls in my year are still only 19 - meaning that I'm 3 years older than them! :P Lol... Hopefully the old adage applies - that wisdom comes with age.
Yesterday, my very very good and wonderful Raffles Hall mates took some time off their busy mugging schedule to CLEAN my room in hall - and CLEANING meant taking away my drawers, my clothes, my books and even my mattress and placing them all over hall! But before I got back from hall. they made sure that I went straight to the comm hall where lo and behold - my pet puppy was hanging for its dear life for all of the hall to see. Had to rescue it down... Poor puppy.
And I got presented with the 1st of 4 cards and birthday cakes - one especially with alcohol because they knew I couldn't eat that one lol... from Awfully Chocolate.
And then after this I went back to my room where I found it totally empty. All the stuff in my cupboard were missing. My books were missing. My clothes were missing. My mattress was missing. Before I could comprehend anything, there was the obligatory taupok where i nearly suffocated :P and then was the mad search for all my things around hall that included singing to ppl along the corridor and carrying stuff like my pillows and clothes across the different blocks with a rather large congregation behind me... :P Lol... it was damn funny and damn fun... Thanks guys for such a memorable birthday - even better than the one I had in Taiwan where my S4 and my unit mates bought me a cake without me knowing about them even leaving camp - it was damn sweet of them. And terribly nice of u guys too! Everyone knows I love Raffles Hall - and rightly so because of the people that make it up. Thanks guys... This is ONE birthday I will remember for tons of years... :)
Labels: Birthday, Friends, Raffles Hall, Whining
Ramblings (Part I dunno what)
1:07 am |
0 comments
Hey LAWR TG 19 : It's been a total pleasure working and suffering with such a wonderful bunch of people. Will really miss working with all your zany antics next sem... All the memos and all the presentations and all the moot practices - it's been a total blast for me to have had the privilege to be with you guys. Don't think I would have survived horrendous LAWR without you guys. So here's a shout out to Aidil, Ben, Kim, Joan, Joshua, Laila, Yu Chou, Cheryl, Zheng Xi, Jocelyn, Nicole and Lionel!!! Love you guys... and the lovely surprise today was really really lovely. Thanks guys and gals! :)
Hmmm... I am old. Older. And I had that warm fuzzy feeling Kim talked about today throughout the whole of today - it's probably gonna be like that tmr too. :) Thanks mom and dad for the messages. Thanks to my sis for the lovely message too. Thanks to all my friends for your messages! I couldn't stop smiling at every single message that passed by my phone.
And now... on to the more nitty gritty - getting into the dirt of contracts, crim and legal theory. Eugh... I hate exams. But I love hall and all the people in it... I really really do. :) I really don't want hall JCRC elections to turn out to be a mess of people with grudges voting because of these grudges. Please don't make it too political - I don't like it. :)
Hmmm... I am old. Older. And I had that warm fuzzy feeling Kim talked about today throughout the whole of today - it's probably gonna be like that tmr too. :) Thanks mom and dad for the messages. Thanks to my sis for the lovely message too. Thanks to all my friends for your messages! I couldn't stop smiling at every single message that passed by my phone.
And now... on to the more nitty gritty - getting into the dirt of contracts, crim and legal theory. Eugh... I hate exams. But I love hall and all the people in it... I really really do. :) I really don't want hall JCRC elections to turn out to be a mess of people with grudges voting because of these grudges. Please don't make it too political - I don't like it. :)
Labels: Friends, Law School, Whining
Rambling again...
5:55 pm |
0 comments
Impending doom approaching. Bad bad... Hopefully the new arguments work out... And I feel really really old. Bad timing.
Labels: Whining
Am I being true to myself?
4:46 pm |
1 comments
Lately, it's been days of doubts, hours of uncertainty and minutes of regret that have been swallowing me, at least for the past few days.
I don't know why they are only coming up now but they've cast this really heavy thing in my heart and it's been weighing very heavily on my mind. And I don't even know where these things are coming from. I am at a crossroad - and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here.
One of my friends mentioned that I may actually be having some split personality thing going on. And he somewhat made sense and it's been at the back of my mind ever since. He said that I have this cheery bubbly craziness whenever I'm outside with my friends or with other people I'm not really very close to and adopt this reclusive very quite almost sombre attitude once I'm back home in my hall room. And he should know this well because he's my room mate. And looking back on his words - it really does make sense. And I kinda see where he's getting from.
I'm really very cheerful whenever I'm out of my room and with friends - there's this innate want in me to just suddenly jump around and sing my heart out for no reason to prevent myself from turning morose because of some event coming up or because I've got something on that's been really bothering me. Anyone who knows me knows me to be this crazy guy who never fails to smile and so when I'm down and I accidentally show it to the world, they really notice the difference and would ask me if anything was the matter. But why do I do this? I'm not very sure now. Is it because I really care about what other people think of me - that I cannot be seen as this 'loser nerd' who cannot fit into any group properly? Is it because I need to show people that I am capable of being happy even if it shows through my craziness? Is it because I'm just deluded in the fact that this happiness rubs off people and actually make their day better? One thing for sure is that I get very tired at the end of the day. Very very tired. And my room mate notices it when I start giving him monosyllabic answers or when I just rush off to somewhere without telling him.
But I do believe that I should have the liberty to do anything within the confines of my room right? Whether I scowl at myself in the window, whether I take my pillow and start sobbing the pain of the day away, whether I start messing the place up and clean it afterwards, whether I sing at the top of my lungs just to forget the misery of the day away, whether... Even at home, I'm not allowed to do these things. I cannot do everything that I want. My mom and my dad and my siblings - I love every single one of them to pieces but once in a while I think I need days where I'm totally alone in my room or at home to do absolutely anything that I want. Absolutely anything. Like sing at the top of my lungs for no reason whatsoever.
And I think I may have found the place - the bathroom. I do at home - my mom would attest to that when she comes banging the door down to ask me to quieten down my singing. But in the bathroom is where Les Miserables comes to live and I act as the strict Javert and turn to the helplessly in love Eponine or where Phantom comes alive and I'm the Phantom rowing the boat. The reverb really helps too! Really focuses the voice and I get to hear whether I'm singing the correct note or not. But ya... It's the only place I've found where I don't have to have any consideration whatsoever to anyone.
That's why I love bursting into song. Makes me feel so liberated. Music really allows one to express anything in the world and really helps to chase away all the blues.
I guess... I'm not really being true to myself at the end of the day. I keep in all this pent-up emotions only to release them when appropriate but otherwise maintain this jovial facade... Maybe not facade. This demeanour. I hope it's all worth it. :) But friends and family - you guys are really totally what I am nowadays. I am really nothing without you guys. And music. What would I do without music? No idea. Maybe die or something...
The exams are coming up in a few weeks and I'll prob get progressively irritable and slow to respond. I know I'm nowhere near completion of revision but hopefully I'll get there sometime soon. Really need the grades for this semester to go for exchange. Hopefully to Canada.
And that whole blog post was just ranting and a whole load of rubbish...
I don't know why they are only coming up now but they've cast this really heavy thing in my heart and it's been weighing very heavily on my mind. And I don't even know where these things are coming from. I am at a crossroad - and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here.
One of my friends mentioned that I may actually be having some split personality thing going on. And he somewhat made sense and it's been at the back of my mind ever since. He said that I have this cheery bubbly craziness whenever I'm outside with my friends or with other people I'm not really very close to and adopt this reclusive very quite almost sombre attitude once I'm back home in my hall room. And he should know this well because he's my room mate. And looking back on his words - it really does make sense. And I kinda see where he's getting from.
I'm really very cheerful whenever I'm out of my room and with friends - there's this innate want in me to just suddenly jump around and sing my heart out for no reason to prevent myself from turning morose because of some event coming up or because I've got something on that's been really bothering me. Anyone who knows me knows me to be this crazy guy who never fails to smile and so when I'm down and I accidentally show it to the world, they really notice the difference and would ask me if anything was the matter. But why do I do this? I'm not very sure now. Is it because I really care about what other people think of me - that I cannot be seen as this 'loser nerd' who cannot fit into any group properly? Is it because I need to show people that I am capable of being happy even if it shows through my craziness? Is it because I'm just deluded in the fact that this happiness rubs off people and actually make their day better? One thing for sure is that I get very tired at the end of the day. Very very tired. And my room mate notices it when I start giving him monosyllabic answers or when I just rush off to somewhere without telling him.
But I do believe that I should have the liberty to do anything within the confines of my room right? Whether I scowl at myself in the window, whether I take my pillow and start sobbing the pain of the day away, whether I start messing the place up and clean it afterwards, whether I sing at the top of my lungs just to forget the misery of the day away, whether... Even at home, I'm not allowed to do these things. I cannot do everything that I want. My mom and my dad and my siblings - I love every single one of them to pieces but once in a while I think I need days where I'm totally alone in my room or at home to do absolutely anything that I want. Absolutely anything. Like sing at the top of my lungs for no reason whatsoever.
And I think I may have found the place - the bathroom. I do at home - my mom would attest to that when she comes banging the door down to ask me to quieten down my singing. But in the bathroom is where Les Miserables comes to live and I act as the strict Javert and turn to the helplessly in love Eponine or where Phantom comes alive and I'm the Phantom rowing the boat. The reverb really helps too! Really focuses the voice and I get to hear whether I'm singing the correct note or not. But ya... It's the only place I've found where I don't have to have any consideration whatsoever to anyone.
That's why I love bursting into song. Makes me feel so liberated. Music really allows one to express anything in the world and really helps to chase away all the blues.
I guess... I'm not really being true to myself at the end of the day. I keep in all this pent-up emotions only to release them when appropriate but otherwise maintain this jovial facade... Maybe not facade. This demeanour. I hope it's all worth it. :) But friends and family - you guys are really totally what I am nowadays. I am really nothing without you guys. And music. What would I do without music? No idea. Maybe die or something...
The exams are coming up in a few weeks and I'll prob get progressively irritable and slow to respond. I know I'm nowhere near completion of revision but hopefully I'll get there sometime soon. Really need the grades for this semester to go for exchange. Hopefully to Canada.
And that whole blog post was just ranting and a whole load of rubbish...
Labels: Whining