Lately, it's been days of doubts, hours of uncertainty and minutes of regret that have been swallowing me, at least for the past few days.

I don't know why they are only coming up now but they've cast this really heavy thing in my heart and it's been weighing very heavily on my mind. And I don't even know where these things are coming from. I am at a crossroad - and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here.

One of my friends mentioned that I may actually be having some split personality thing going on. And he somewhat made sense and it's been at the back of my mind ever since. He said that I have this cheery bubbly craziness whenever I'm outside with my friends or with other people I'm not really very close to and adopt this reclusive very quite almost sombre attitude once I'm back home in my hall room. And he should know this well because he's my room mate. And looking back on his words - it really does make sense. And I kinda see where he's getting from.

I'm really very cheerful whenever I'm out of my room and with friends - there's this innate want in me to just suddenly jump around and sing my heart out for no reason to prevent myself from turning morose because of some event coming up or because I've got something on that's been really bothering me. Anyone who knows me knows me to be this crazy guy who never fails to smile and so when I'm down and I accidentally show it to the world, they really notice the difference and would ask me if anything was the matter. But why do I do this? I'm not very sure now. Is it because I really care about what other people think of me - that I cannot be seen as this 'loser nerd' who cannot fit into any group properly? Is it because I need to show people that I am capable of being happy even if it shows through my craziness? Is it because I'm just deluded in the fact that this happiness rubs off people and actually make their day better? One thing for sure is that I get very tired at the end of the day. Very very tired. And my room mate notices it when I start giving him monosyllabic answers or when I just rush off to somewhere without telling him.

But I do believe that I should have the liberty to do anything within the confines of my room right? Whether I scowl at myself in the window, whether I take my pillow and start sobbing the pain of the day away, whether I start messing the place up and clean it afterwards, whether I sing at the top of my lungs just to forget the misery of the day away, whether... Even at home, I'm not allowed to do these things. I cannot do everything that I want. My mom and my dad and my siblings - I love every single one of them to pieces but once in a while I think I need days where I'm totally alone in my room or at home to do absolutely anything that I want. Absolutely anything. Like sing at the top of my lungs for no reason whatsoever.

And I think I may have found the place - the bathroom. I do at home - my mom would attest to that when she comes banging the door down to ask me to quieten down my singing. But in the bathroom is where Les Miserables comes to live and I act as the strict Javert and turn to the helplessly in love Eponine or where Phantom comes alive and I'm the Phantom rowing the boat. The reverb really helps too! Really focuses the voice and I get to hear whether I'm singing the correct note or not. But ya... It's the only place I've found where I don't have to have any consideration whatsoever to anyone.

That's why I love bursting into song. Makes me feel so liberated. Music really allows one to express anything in the world and really helps to chase away all the blues.

I guess... I'm not really being true to myself at the end of the day. I keep in all this pent-up emotions only to release them when appropriate but otherwise maintain this jovial facade... Maybe not facade. This demeanour. I hope it's all worth it. :) But friends and family - you guys are really totally what I am nowadays. I am really nothing without you guys. And music. What would I do without music? No idea. Maybe die or something...

The exams are coming up in a few weeks and I'll prob get progressively irritable and slow to respond. I know I'm nowhere near completion of revision but hopefully I'll get there sometime soon. Really need the grades for this semester to go for exchange. Hopefully to Canada.

And that whole blog post was just ranting and a whole load of rubbish...